Now and then, a bitch MUST get out of town! We’ll help you do it without spiraling deeper into debt. We’ll tell you how you snag cheap tickets, identify under-the-radar locales, and make the most of your trip once you’ve landed. From the best travels websites to secrets of packing to “vacation foreplay,” we’ve got you covered.

Here’s a taste from the book (in stores December 29!):

It’s been so long since you’ve had a travel fix. If you don’t go somewhere soon you’ll end up homicidal or suicidal. Be open-minded and flexible about when you leave—this is the first stop in planning your own trip.  Let the dice roll, see what’s available, build around it. Yes, bitch, it’s time to (carefully) emerge from hibernation…

* * *

On arrival, go into the best hotel in the city—of course you’re not staying there. Loiter in the lobby a moment. Breathe in the aroma from the last hotel still filled with fabulous flowers arrangements. Ride the glass elevator to the top, take in the view, or check out the cedar-scented spa and posh restaurant. Linger awhile. Come back down again and exit the elevator as though you’ve just gotten up from sleeping in late. Confidently march over to the concierge desk. Pretend you’re a world traveling French-style sophisticate. Extend your hand. “I am Jewel Astor and we’re here for the next week.”

Chat them up, get advice. These folks are bored.

You haven’t lied. You never said you were staying in the hotel, did you?

(And if they’re helpful, give ’em a tip, it’s way cheaper than a guide book and everybody needs to make a living!)

Bitches on a Budget is being published by the New American Library division of Penguin Books. Ask your bookseller when they will be putting it on their shelves.