Let’s be honest. You’re obliged to buy lots of gifts this season…  gifts for people you love and gifts for those you dislike (or even actively hate). We’re here to help.


Your kid’s totally devoted teacher. The guy who makes the most exquisite cappuccino you’ve ever tasted. The elderly neighbor you find sweeping your walk. Your miracle-working dermatologist. The babysitter who’ll drop anything to play with your rugrats.

1.  Help out the dude who makes your AM brew with a Melitta coffee maker and travel mug.  Help him tank up before he leaves his house.

2. Forget Whitmans. Go to our favorite baker:Baking for Good. Not only is the stuff yummy, 15% of your purchase goes to charity!

3. Bitches on a Budget—the book! OK, you’ll have to write an IOU, since it’s not out until December 29th. But once it finds their hands, they’ll forgive you.

4. Delicious raw honey. Lasts for months and months.

5.  Bulbs! Paper whites or amaryllis. Easy and lovely and sanity-saving. As that miraculous green finger shoots up, so do logy winter spirits.

Now the fun part.


Your never-satisfied boss. The clock-obsessed HR manager. The neighbor whose dog poops in your yard. Your hyper-skinny, oppressively energetic spinning instructor. The OCD Aunt who loves nothing better than lecturing you on the right cleaning supplies to use to avoid cobwebs and dustmites. The salesperson at the snotty local boutique—you need to be on her good side (after all, she has the power to give you a heads-up when amazing pieces arrive in your size), and yet she always manages to subtly impugn your taste and waistline. (Hmm… what does it say about us that this list was sooooo easy to make?)

1. Horriball—under the guise of “stress ball,” the geniuses at Pier 1 came up this weird and wonderful toy. Creepily addictive.

2. Basket set of bath doo-dads—facial scrub, loofah, hand cream, whatever. Just make sure it contains a magnifying mirror. That’s right, bitches: force the passive-aggressive boutique salesperson to examine all her clogged pores.

3. Back to Baking for Good for some heavenly delectations. This time for your half-naked spinning instructor.

4. Our favorite obsession: the lucite encased spider from Urban Outfitters. For maximum impact make certain the recipient has no sense of humor.

5. Look, maybe we’re being too mean. It is the holiday season, after all. Do you really want to play the grinch? Let’s be compassionate, ladies. You want to win hearts? There’s a simple way. Give them Bitches on a Budget.