tights

Ladies, we’ve got to look out for one another, right? That means telling it like it is. No bullshit. No beating around the bush, so to speak.

As we like to say, being a “bitch” means being savvy. Smart. In control. It’s a way of living—NOT a way of treating others. You can be a bitch without being bitchy.

So in the spirit of helpfulness, we’re laying down the law.

STOP WEARING TIGHTS AS PANTS. THEY DO NOT—WE REPEAT, DO NOT—LOOK GOOD. (YES, THIS MEANS YOU TOO, MISS CARROT-STICK-FOR-BREAKFAST.) IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE. NO MORE. NOT EVEN WITH A WHAT YOU THINK IS A LONG ENOUGH TOP. NOT EVEN WITH CUTE BOOTS. NOT EVEN IF YOU’RE ON YOUR WAY TO BALLET OR YOGA CLASS OR HAVE A LADY GAGA FIXATION.

We apologize. Those bold caps might have seemed a little, er, bitchy.

Remember a while back we told you about the fashion dominatrix who should be sitting on your shoulder, punishing you with a whap! when you fall victim to heinous trends?

If you’ve been wearing tights as pants, here’s what you get:

whap! whap! whap!

Pure sartorial disaster. Totally unsexy. Utterly devoid of the power to titillate.

Happily, others now share our outrage. Read the manifesto by the tights-are-not-pants people. Download their press kit and start spreading the word!

Years ago we had a friend who wore tights as bottoms, but back then we never had the courage to tell her she looked silly. No more. We’re turning over a new leaf. We’re making a vow to be honest—to look out for other bitches. Because we care about you. We do! We want to see you happy. We want to see you confident. We want to see you wearing gorgeous clothes.

Dear lord, we just want to stop seeing your ass(et).