Dirty Little Secrets
9 CommentsIf you haven’t noticed, we like to titillate. Call it arrested development, call it dirty minds. For example, when the waiter asks if we’d “like anything else,” the voice in our head goes to all kinds of places–and we’re not talking dessert. We’re not ashamed. Getting dirty (even if it’s just in our imagination) is both fun and cheap, and a bitch on a budget can’t turn her back on cheap thrills (even if they’re all fantasies). So why are we admitting this now? Because we’re about to talk about the least dirty thing we know. That’s right, we’re going to talk about babies.
Since we’re being honest—this is bitch-to-bitch—babies are sexy’s anti-matter. You think we’re kidding? Consider the evidence at hand:
Babies turns lingerie into a support garment.
Staying up all night is sexy, until there’s a baby involved.
Focusing a camera on a bed is sexy, unless it’s attached to a baby monitor.
So why are we even talking about babies? Because, bitch, while it’s one thing to have your bundle of cute joy liquidate your sexy surplus, it’s quite another to have extraneous baby merchandise bankrupt your savings account.
Without further ado, here are three things that every mother is told to buy, but which we think you can do without:
1. The wipes warmer. Is your grandmother a tough old broad? Well, nobody bothered to warm her wipes. Unless you live in an igloo, we think this is $20 that would be better spent on takeout.
2. The Diaper Genie. Nothing motivates a consumer like fear. Do you want to smell poop? You do not. A Poop-Be-Gone system (all variations on the same theme, a technological marvel of a trash can and refillable liners) seems an easy solution. Here’s what you fail to anticipate: at some point a dirty diaper will EXPLODE while being fed into the patent-pending mechanism (this usually happens at night). The refills for What Poop?, What Poop II?, and Super-Whatcha-Talking-About Poop are non-compatible—and the convenience store never has the one you need. Consider this: wet diapers outnumber dirty by a factor of five or six to one. Our solution? If you’re using disposable diapers, get a small, lidded trashcan for the nursery. Pop the wet diapers in there. Save plastic grocery bags for those times when your little bundle of joy makes a bundle of misery—bag it and get that thing outside. You’ll save $300 a year on liners alone.
3. Barcalounger Highchairs. Everyone knows that babies drool, spit-up, spill, and throw food. So why the trend towards upholstered high chairs with all those nooks and crannies? We don’t get it. Let’s look at another population that has trouble eating without making a mess: bachelors. What do they prefer? That’s right: black leather sofas. If you find a black leather highchair, snap it up. Otherwise, we’d suggest molded plastic. IKEA makes one for $20. With all the time you’ll save in clean-up, think about all the fun you’ll have doing more pleasurable things!
9 comments
Terrilee says:
Jan 18, 2010
I love Dirty Little Secrets! I put this on Facebook also, but it has helped us so much, I wanted to put it here too!
Wipes! Why put perfume on your baby. 1 roll of Bounty paper towels, 3 cups warm water mixed with 1 TBS baby oil and 1 TBS baby shampoo. We put it in a plastic storage bin. I love the pick-a-size paper towels. Bounty only (for some reason the others mold) It gets everything off your baby in a flash, even stuck on “stuff' in a flash! I have 2 boys & have only had 1 diaper rash, before I learned about this! It ROCKS!
Bitches on a Budget says:
Jan 18, 2010
accept
Christine Kiefer says:
Jan 19, 2010
What about the fancy designer bottles? It takes forever to clean out the knicks and cranies in those things! And chances are you won't get them clean enoug and they will harbor bacteria or get thrown out anyway!
Kayren says:
Jan 26, 2010
Tip for Mama’s using cloth diapers..Learned this lil trick when my son was a baby…we survived on less than $300.00 a month from welfare & my mothers help for over a year…Instead of buying those fancy plastic panties that go over the cloth diapers….save your plastic grocery bags, they not only make good trash can liners, but they also make good covers for those cloth diapers, just cut down both sides & across the bottom & remove the handle part, 2 diaper covers! And you can just pitch them instead of worrying about washing them & the chance of harboring bacteria …& they are free!!!!
Beth says:
Jan 26, 2010
Kayren,
Be careful with the plastic grocery bags. They can be a choking hazard and are sometimes made with harmful chemicals or pesticides.
Buggies Dune says:
Feb 2, 2010
Some interesting posts on here and a load of usefull info. If you get some free time, visit mine and come and take a look at my efforts and give me a comment at The Buggies Dune Project.
brandy says:
Feb 8, 2010
I dunno about the wipe warmer. It turned scream sessions into much more pleasant times.
jenn says:
Mar 23, 2010
The wipe warmer is a keeper.
Tiffany says:
Mar 23, 2010
the wipe warmer was a wonderful thing for me. And super expensive baby clothes? let you friends get that for you…just go to Sears for the rest.