Are you a neurotic bitch like us? Does your neurosis manifest itself in tooth-grinding and/or jaw-clenching during those hours of the night you’re supposed to be getting your beauty rest? Do you even know you’re doing it? Jaw–tooth–mashing, that is.

A dentist’s visit recently convinced us that we’d save BIG BUCKS (and clenched jaw pain) in the long term by shelling out now for a mouth guard.

Our tiny plastic thingy-ding cost us plenty (though insurance covered half), and had just as much sex appeal as a purchase of tires for our car. But the daily, insidious damage we were doing to our teeth would have led to crowns,  jaw pain, and gum problems. Not to mention all the time stuck in the dentist chair having to hear about her trip to Club Med with a toolbox lodged in our mouth. So it’s a responsible splurge–well that’s an oxymoron, maybe a necessity (kinda’ like those tires)

The real plus? The mouthguard is weirdly reminiscent of our 8th-grade retainer (the one we kept leaving on our lunch tray and throwing in the trash). It gives us a lisp; we impulsively play with it, tongue it, flick it in and out of our mouth. In other words, it’s a perfect extra prop for your school girl role play, along with the knee-highs and plaid pleated skirt and braids and—

We’ll stop there.

If you grind at night, or frequently wake up with a sore jaw (and not because you were busy with other oral activities) make an appointment with Dr. Brightsmile pronto.